Monday, February 11, 2013

sleeping, dreaming, waking


I dreamed of you last night. There were several people standing around, as they do at art gallery openings and wine and cheese parties, although I can't remember what event was happening, or if there was one. I was over here, and I caught a glimpse of you over there, three or four depths of people between us. I just saw your face for an instant, and that was it. No conversation or anything, and it wasn't a major part of the plot of the dream, but you were definitely there.

Interesting; I hadn't planned on thinking about you for another couple of months, but you popped up sooner. Why? What is there to tell me? Are you reminding me that my work tanked after you left? Are you gently chiding me to get back on track? Easier said than done, with Ruth as my support system. I mean, seriously; how can I focus when my helper is more scattered than me?

I hope you didn't email me and think I ignored you; I haven't used my normal e-mail address for a year now. Too much Facebook crap filled my inbox every day, and since I couldn't figure out how to turn it off I just abandoned both of them. I use alliesbass now, but I don't check any of my accounts with any frequency.

As you see I stopped blogging here after my forward movement came to a crashing halt. I was doing a sex blog on another platform, but I haven't posted on that one in a month or two either. I've been spending an awful lot of time on Tumblr, reading a lot of manga, watching a lot of anime, watching lots of Korean and Japanese mini-series, watching lots of Korean and Japanese movies, and learning about things like non-binary sexuality and gender fluidity.

According to a bunch of people in the non-binary community, bisexuality is as rigidly binary as heterosexuality and homosexuality. There's a fierce debate going on at the moment that I'm fascinated by and very much invested in; it affects how I will want to label myself, and it's helping me take a deeper look at my orientation and how I see myself sexually. I am also getting used to the longer LGBTQIA, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Queer/Questioning, Intersexual, and Asexual. I'm not sure of Q for Questioning, because all the other categories (besides Intersex, which describes a condition, or rather a group of conditions) describe orientation. On the other hand it makes sense, because even at this stage in my life I'm questioning my orientation based on the (for me) new ideas of gender fluidity and non-binary sexuality. (It's not that my orientation has changed, it's just that my previous self-label may not have been completely accurate.) Also, Q for Queer isn't specifically about orientation, it's an umbrella term for all the other non-heteronormative sex/gender minorities. I think polyamorous folks would fit under that umbrella, for example.

Gee, look at me; I ended up writing a blog post after all. It doesn't really belong here (the paragraph above is the kind of writing I've been doing on LiveJournal) but it's good to let you know what I've been up to.

Studying the complexities of sex and gender has been and continues to be an interesting and introspective journey, so I suppose it fits in with the contemplative theme I was originally going for when I started this blog.

Sending my thoughts of peace and lovingkindness to you out in the ether, to you reading this blog, to you not reading this blog,

I am with grateful thanks,

Respectfully yours,

AH