Sunshine

I hate the way the suns twinkles at me through the blinds, taunting and teasing and torturing, letting me know exactly how lovely it is outside; and here I am inside playing Bejeweled with the music on, the same tinkling tune over and over again, and a deep voice telling me "Good!" when I blow up the shiny colors.

Still Feeling Bad About Adam Yauch, But Worse

I wish some stories weren't so quickly replaced online by the next new thing.

I wasn't interested in fighting with people over the definitions of sex and gender that were brought on by a news story about a transgendered musician who gave an interview to Rolling Stone about nir plans to transition.

I wasn't interested in the furor and subsequent—what word could express the most vicious hatred mixed with PCBs, acid rain, global warming, ricin poisoning, and stupidity?—unfriendly comments after the news that President Obama is now apparently in favor of gay marriage.

I was interested in reading more kind thoughts about the death of a beautiful human being. Unfortunately, I read unkind comments. Now I will have to do a Metta mediation for everyone who spews vitriol online.

Love, Eros, Sex, and Compassion

Many years ago I read the transcript of a lecture called "Love, Eros, and Sex." In it, the lecturer discussed the differences between the three feelings or states of being and gave definitions for the words. For her purposes, the word "eros" described the heady, charged feeling of infatuation, the physiological and emotional chemistry a person feels when she develops a crush, or he discovers feelings of arousal towards a person. This was distinguished from sex, as the emotion of eros wasn't necessarily accompanied by actual physical contact. Love was a third form of intimacy entirely, and as I recall it was defined as the combination of trust and comfort and a deep bond of friendship, although it wasn't divorced from attraction or sexual feeling.

I've been thinking about this recently in terms of my own personal definitions of relationship words like love, and how they work within and outside of my definitions of lovingkindness or compassion.

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The editor interrupts this blog entry for a late-breaking METTA news story:

See the difference in the two people's sizes? This escalator is STEEP!

This past Thursday afternoon Two or three Thursdays ago, on my way home from Rego Park, I was on the subway platform about to get on the up escalator when I noticed a woman at the top of the down escalator looking petrified. She was standing at the very beginning of the moving stair, and it seemed she was unable to step onto it. To my delight a couple of other passengers had noticed her and were trying to encourage her, but they couldn't stick around to help because they had to go catch their buses. Fortunately, by that time I had gotten to the top of the escalator, and I went over to her. She was a small and fragile-looking middle-aged woman, and although she was trying to contain her panic she was in obvious distress. I stood next to her and told her we'd do it together, and that when I counted to three we'd put a foot on the stair. I wrapped one arm around her waist and held onto her hand with the other, and on three we successfully made it onto the stair without mishap or even a wobble. Score! Ten for execution, a terrific success.

But the story's not over; I haven't even gotten to the important part yet.

As soon as I let go of her after we'd stepped onto the train platform, I had the hugest grin on my face. Not because she expressed gratitude, which she did, but because helping this woman gave me such a high. She REALLY needed someone to help her, and I was almost glad that the other thoughtful people didn't go the extra mile because it meant I could have the joy of easing her suffering. I was the lucky one who got to help her through her fear at the top, and I got to see her relief and her smiles when we got to the bottom. I couldn't see her pain and not want to relieve it. I HAD to help her; there were no two ways about it.


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And now back to our regularly scheduled blog entry:
So how does this experience have any correlation with love, eros, or sex? Believe me when I tell you I felt love for the woman at the top of the escalator. The clichéd expression "my heart went out to her" accurately describes how I felt. I was drawn to her, with an overwhelming need to comfort her and ease her pain. I associate that feeling—of caring deeply for another being and wanting in some way to protect, shelter, or comfort—with the idea of love, and believe it is an intrinsic part of that experience.

When I think of the emotion that feels essentially the same whether it's felt towards an animal, a child, or a lover, I call that feeling love. It's a soft feeling, a feeling of appreciation, a feeling of joy, of sweetness, and of warmth. It's that indefinable sensation of magic when watching an animal or person sleeping; you're witnessing their unconscious breaths, and you can feel how precious, fascinating, and vulnerable they are, and you are torn between leaving them to rest and staying to keep vigil over them. It's unfortunate that one of the synonyms I keep getting for this intense felling of caring is "maternal," because this emotion is of course without gender or age (I've seen very young toddlers express this emotion toward turtles, caterpillars, and other larger creatures as well).

Chest Pain

It hurts, it's been hurting for a while, and although the pain went away for a few days, it's back.

Pretty soon I'm gonna start quoting Shakespeare. Uh oh, it's happening--can't--stop---

I beseech you, punish me not with your hard
thoughts, wherein I confess me much guilty to deny
so fair and excellent ladies any thing. But let your
fair eyes, and gentle wishes go with me to my trial;
wherein if I be foiled, there is but one shamed that was
never gracious; if killed, but one dead that was willing to
be so: I shall do my friends no wrong, for I have none to
lament me, the world no injury, for in it I have nothing;
only in the world I fill up a place, which may be better
supplied when I have made it empty.
                                        As You Like It (1.2.346-55)

No, I'm not suicidal, so shut up. This was an important quote for me for many years; I know that feeling. He was feeling sorry for himself, but he had plenty of good reasons.

I'm gonna go have some hot and sour soup that doesn't have enough vinegar or sesame oil in it.

Compassion and Losing Important Influences

I was already feeling kicked in the chest (more on that in another post) when yesterday's news, of the death of Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys, really knocked the wind out of me.

Adam was, with the other Beastie Boys, part of the atmosphere I lived in during my high school/college years in NYC. We didn't go to the same school or live in the same neighborhood, but we had friends in common (yeah, David Sparks) and went to a lot of the same punk/hardcore shows. We also shared some other journeys in common, including interests in activism and  meditative practices. Adam became one of the vanguard of musicians who openly discussed their personal spiritual beliefs both musically and in their other work, founding the Milarepa Fund and putting on concerts to raise money and awareness for Tibetan independence. He was a musical, social, and spiritual influence for me and a lot of my peers.

Below is a Beasties Boys song lyric coauthored by Yauch:

Lyrics to "Boddhisatva Vow," reprinted from LyricsDepot:

As I Develop The Awakening Mind I Praise The Buddha As They Shine
I Bow Before You As I Travel My Path To Join Your Ranks,
I Make My Full Time Task
For The Sake Of All Beings I Seek
The Enlighted Mind That I Know I'll Reap
Respect To Shantideva And All The Others
Who Brought Down The Darma For Sisters And Brothers
I Give Thanks For This World As A Place To Learn
And For This Human Body That I'm Glad To Have Earned
And My Deepest Thanks To All Sentient Beings
For Without Them There Would Be No Place To Learn What I'm Seeing
There's Nothing Here That's Not Been Said Before
But I Put It Down Now So I'll Be Sure
To Solidify My Own Views And I'll Be Glad If It Helps
Anyone Else Out Too
If Others Disrespect Me Or Give Me Flack
I'll Stop And Think Before I React =
Knowing That They're Going Through Insecure Stages
I'll Take The Opportunity To Exercise Patience
I'll See It As A Chance To Help The Other Person
Nip It In The Bud Before It Can Worsen
A Change For Me To Be Strong And Sure
As I Think On The Buddhas Who Have Come Before
As I Praise And Respect The Good They've Done
Knowing Only Love Can Conquer In Every Situation
We Need Other People In Order To Create
The Circumstances For The Learning That We're Here To Generate
Situations That Bring Up Our Deepest Fears
So We Can Work To Release Them Until They're Cleared
Therefore, It Only Makes Sense
To Thank Our Enemies Despite Their Intent
The Bodhisattva Path Is One Of Power And Strength
A Strength From Within To Go The Length
Seeing Others Are As Important As Myself
I Strive For A Happiness Of Mental Wealth
With The Interconnectedness That We Share As One
Every Action That We Take Affects Everyone
So In Deciding For What A Situation Calls
There Is A Path For The Good For All
I Try To Make My Every Action For That Highest Good
With The Altruistic Wish To Achive Buddhahood
So I Pledge Here Before Everyone Who's Listening
To Try To Make My Every Action For The Good Of All Beings
For The Rest Of My Lifetimes And Even Beyond
I Vow To Do My Best To Do No Harm
And In Times Of Doubt I Can Think On The Dharma
And The Enlightened Ones Who've Graduated Samsara 

How I Am Like A Lawn

I spent the weekend in the country recently, and as always happens when I change scenery, I got some new perspectives.

It has to do with lawns. (For the strictly city-folk among you, lawns are expanses of ground covered with grass and the occasional shrub for use as status symbols, areas upon which to play touch football, dining areas for summer barbecues, and sources of "good healthy outdoor exercise" in the form of lawn maintenance [consisting of watering, weeding, seeding, and cutting the grass, preferably while riding a fancy tractor-like lawn mower].)

        

You see, I have something in common with a lawn:
I have a lot of knowledge spread out over a wide area, but it rarely goes very deep.

Although I value my interest in a wide variety of subjects (more on that in my next post), I feel that now I want to spread out a little less and dig down a little more; I want to deepen my understanding of something and concentrate on it for a while (for example, I'd like to increase my fluency in French) rather than my usual practice of flitting from subject to subject.

The Joy (and by joy I mean delight) of Learning

Just a few minutes ago I was reminded of how much I love, love, love to learn from someone who is passionate about his/her subject. I was watching an episode of TED Talks [sidebar: TED is "a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading," and TED Talks are watchable online at ted.com; you don't need to watch them on television], and after two lectures I had to stop watching and blog immediately.

The first lecture, given by writer/director/producer J.J. Abrams, was engaging, funny, and inspiring. His view of the unknown, as mystery to be anticipated with excitement, was beautiful.  However, it was the second lecture, given by Princeton molecular biologist Bonnie Bassler, that prompted my need to write today.

Her lecture described how bacteria talk to each other (with a molecular chemical language, since you asked), and how that enables them to behave in concert—including a very satisfying, oh-right-that-makes-perfect-sense explanation of how "bad" bacteria can become virulent. I noticed partway through the lecture that I was grinning as broadly as a child at a cartoon festival. Why was I smiling? After all, this wasn't humorous pop-culture stuff; there was hard science here (although Bassler made everything easily understandable to the layperson). Then it dawned on me: this woman was as excited about her team's discoveries as a kid pulling on your pant leg to say, "Hey, look what I found! Lookit, lookit, lookit! Isn't this the coolest thing you've ever seen, ever?" Her enthusiasm was infectious enough to reach out through the tv set and grab me. Granted, I would have been interested in the subject no matter what (because I'm such a nerd), but her love for her science and for its possibilities permeated her lecture and filled me with delight.

As I sit here typing, the smile still lingers. I'm still excited about what I learned. And I'm excited to be excited; the thrill of learning something new, the joy of discovery, the delight and fascination at how things work, it's all still inside me.

You're never too old to learn, and it's still just as much fun as ever.